Japan: Postscript

So I never wrote a concluding entry to my summer in Japan. I meant to. But I never got around to it.

Tonight I needed to take a break from the other crazy (school) so I decided to revisit this thing. I still haven't mustered up enough--what should I call it--strength? sentimentality? narcissism? to read my previous posts. I lived it, why relive it? My first session back at therapy (couple weeks ago) my therapist asked me whether it was worth talking about what went on during the summer. I looked at him and said, no. I experienced it, for better or for worse, and I have moved on. At the time, I had just finished reading a book on Buddhist non-attachment so it not only felt like the right thing to say/do, but I also firmly believed it. But believing what you say vs. believing what you feel can sometimes be two different things. The one thing I did tell my therapist was that I didn't know if it [my trip to Japan] was worth it. I didn't say it wasn't worth it. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I am kind of at a loss to make that judgment.

Do I still think about the summer? Yeah, I do. Not often, but at times. Sometimes in brief moments of idleness. Sometimes when a song comes on my ipod. And always when I see the scars.

I never really explained at length just how traumatizing some of the events that happened in Japan were to me. I choose not to go there because it takes me to a dark place that I don't have the time and energy for. Remember, I'm supposed to be writing--and completing--my dissertation this year. And if I get caught up in the maelstrom of thoughts and emotions that such recollections entail then it would take me way off track. Not saying that going off track is a bad thing (I'm trying to reduce the self-demoralizing value judgments I tend to impose on life), but going off track in the here and now isn't going to take me to where I want to go. At least at this point in time. Sound vague? Well, yeah! Intentionally so.

But for the sake of this blog, I will mention the hitherto unblogged about moments that I look back on in fondness and gratitude.

My crazy class. They were crazy! But you get a bunch of crazies together and sometimes it works. More often than not, it worked. Here's pic at the closing party:


My teachers were great, they put up with my crazy, especially all my crazy grammar pattern sentences about vampires, zombies, werewolves, and the evils of capitalism:



Chen-san was a great friend to me in Japan. She also put up with my crazy, over and over again. And the only person I've kept in touch with from two summer programs in Japan:


Meeting yet another world famous tattoo artist, Shige, and sounding like a blubbering fool in front of him. But with Chen-san's help, getting on his waiting list, only to realize that I kinda don't want to be on his waiting list:


Reconnecting with old friends:


Meeting new ones:


Appreciating the brevity of time and the shadows of what could have been:


Spending time with my brother in a different country and bonding in ways that may not have been possible elsewhere:



Seeing Buddha:


Experiencing moments of beauty that I attempted to capture even though we all know that such moments are never fully capturable:



So there ya go. The end to my blog about summer in Japan 2009.

But the craziness continues: LA, ethnographing, dissertating, job hunting, etc. etc. etc....

Crazy never ends.

But this blog does.

Thanks for reading.

Day Forty-Six

Today was officially the last day of class (the remainder of the week is devoted to a final exam day, a final presentation day, and a one-on-one end-of-term evaluation meeting day). Since I have been (at least physically) present all other days of the term, I decided to spare my classmates and teacher my lousy mood and just stayed home. I ended up going into school afterwards though cuz I decided that I needed to see a doctor about the persistent boils. So they referred me to a nearby dermatologist where I had the nasty suckers lanced and drained. I was also prescribed topical and oral antibiotics for the infection. Luckily the doctor spoke English, but the nurse who did the draining was only semi-fluent. So my earlier embarrassment a couple weeks ago at the drug store (when I bought over-the-counter antibiotic ointment) wasn't all for naught, since having the verb "to pus" in my vocabulary came in handy today.

I realize that I have been carrying a lot of weight in my boils--a lot of anger, frustration, and stress--which both literally and metaphorically needed to be drained from my system. I hope the antibiotics work. I had the doc check for the dreaded MRSA since that's always a big concern in any kind of bacterial infection. I should get the results next week at the follow-up appointment.

By the way, yes, I do realize that yesterday's post was all sorts of crazy. And I yes, I do realize that I am a by-product of the very crazy that I blog about. I've never denied that. But there's a special kind of crazy that occurs in the mother-(or in my case, father-)land that one just can't deny. Apologies if I caused all one of you who reads this thing daily, any kind of concern. I'm still alive. Still a prick. And yes, still all kinds of crazy.

In other news, I have decided that dating in Japan is evil. Every date that I have been on since coming to this place has left me physically and/or mentally scarred in some way or another. I am not joking. I am serious. There's the crazy fucker who pretty much cemented the fact that I will never ever ever again consider an academic for a date. Then there's the New Zealander who brought on the boils (aka, the boilermaker). And then there was my date on Sunday who brought on the bug bites. I haven't blogged about him yet, so perhaps I will do a little of that right now before I get some dinner. He's a mixed Japanese-Portugese dude working in Saitama-ken and the date overall was pretty fun. But when we met up, he asked what I wanted to do and I replied, anything as long as it is in a cool (i.e., cool temperature) place. Then this guys takes me to the park in 100-degree weather. Who the fuck takes someone to a park when it's 100 degrees outside?? And what is up with Japanese gay guys and the park? That's where the boils came from!! I am officially swearing off of parks from this moment on. Anyway, the park was filled with lots of bugs who just had a field day on my flesh. I came home with 14 bug bites all over my arms and legs (and yes, I was wearing pants, not shorts--how those fuckers got in there, I dunno--but those are the only living things getting into my pants these days....well, unless you consider the bacteria that brought the boils. Fuck, I traded in boys for bugs and bacteria??!???!?) And as many of you know, I am super-sensitive to bug bites so I have big red welts on my arms and legs now. Japan is slowly but surely trying to kill me.

Anyway, I think this dude--Leo is his name, by the way--is really into me. He was really bummed when he found out that I was leaving in two weeks. When we said our goodbyes he had this really sad expression on his face like we were never gonna see each other again. So dramatic. Ugh. Ha, I'm one to talk!

Oh funny story: we had lunch at this Thai restaurant on the 4th floor of some building in Harajuku. Now I don't like PDA, and Leo was a bit guarded in his public gaiety as well, so we thought we'd steal a kiss in the elevator as we were going up to the restaurant. But midway through our smooch, we noticed that we were in a glass elevator facing the street, so everyone who happened to be looking up from the sidewalk probably saw us making out. So much for discretion!

Ok, I'm hungry. I'm gonna get some food. And I have a semi-date (maybe more just like a meeting) on Thursday. I wonder if I should cancel it. I mean, I don't think my body can take any more harm, unintended or otherwise, from dating Japanese....

Day Forty-Five

I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and I want to go home. SF, LA, whatever. Maybe home isn't the right word. I just want out of Japan. If my brother wasn't already scheduled to come visit me here at the end of the month, I would be changing all my flight plans to get on the first plane out of Japan once this summer program ends. I've even thought about slashing my wrists or jumping in front of a train, anything to be done with things. Those are my more dramatic moments, of course. (Hell, I'm gay, what the fuck do you expect?!)

I haven't posted a whole lot about the kinds of troubles I've been having here so maybe this post comes as some sort of surprise. It helps to laugh at some of the ridiculous things that occur in life. But sometimes you get so run down that the laughter stops and everything just shuts off--body, mind, your will to live. That's what happened to me today. I fell asleep doing homework and woke up around 4am. Got some work done before class, but by the time I left my apartment I was in such a foul mood that everything around me seemed trivial and pointless. I growled at anyone who stared at me and my piercings and/or tattoos (a regular occurrence here). And on more than one occasion I felt like yelling at the people in front of me on the escalator who were blocking my path. And this is all on my 20 minute walk to school. I hadn't even gotten into the classroom yet!

I was pretty fucking rude in the classroom today. I did not crack a smile in the first hour of class, despite my sensei's sunny demeanor. I'm tired of all the hierarchical levels of politeness and today I felt like saying fuck it. I got so irritated with one of my classmates that I pretty openly made fun of his way of speaking. His fault really, he was the one who called on me when he was leading discussion today. When I led discussion last week, I knew he wasn't interested in the topic so I respected his silence and let him be. You would think he would return the favor, but noooo, the fucker. Who the fuck cares anyway, I never plan on seeing any of my classmates again (except, of course, Chen-san). I just want this goddamn program to be done with. I can't stand seeing the same damn people everyday anyway. You get to know everyone quirks and idiosyncrasies, and what may have been cute and/or entertaining at the beginning, now just grates on your every last nerve.

I'm just so fucking tired of everything. It's actually a nice day to die. It's raining out, I have some beautifully depressive black metal on the stereo (Japanese band, Kanashimi), and I live in such isolation that I don't think anyone would really miss me. It would probably take a couple days to find my rotting corpse, most likely when I don't show up to the final or something this week. Anyway, whatever, I'm tired of talking to myself on this blog. I really don't know why I bother trying to keep this thing updated. Like most things in life it seems like such a fucking waste of time. I don't know if anyone even fucking reads this crap anyway. Most of you are pretty shitty about keeping in touch. So whatever.

Day Thirty-Eight

Since I am behind on blogging, I have to post retroactively. So these posts will no longer follow any logical numerical order.

I spent the evening of day 38 hanging out with my buddy Saito-san and his band Gate is Dope. Got to preview the workings of some of the sounds for the new record. I had fun and took a bunch of pics of them rehearsing in the studio. I posted them on photobucket here.

Here's a pic of Saito-san jamming on his bass. In case you are wondering, they play some really great doom sludge metal.


Afterwards, on our walk back to the train station, Saito-san explained to me how difficult it is to be a musician in Japan. The music industry is so highly regulated and controlled by huge corporations, trying to be an indie band just doesn't pay. You lose money touring, if you want to be featured in a magazine, you have to pay them in order to get something written about you, etc. etc. It's sad. But it also makes me really admire and appreciate those who try to keep it on the D.I.Y. Saito-san works full time (and in Japan, that usually means way more than what we in the U.S. consider full time) so the fact that he still pursues his musical passion is such a beautiful thing. Being around people like him forces me to reevaluate my life and what I choose to devote my time to. And whenever I get into that kind of introspective mood, I usually end up depressed about the choices I've made and the time and energy I've spent on things that, at the end of the day, really aren't that important to me. My therapist would say that getting depressed about it is counterproductive, that I should reflect on it and make changes accordingly. But y'know how that goes, easier said than done....

Day Forty-Three

Damn, it's already day 43. One more week of school, which means final exams and final presentations. Fun!

This weekend has been a big museum weekend. Yesterday (Friday, Day Forty-Two) we went on a fieldtrip to the Tokyo National Museum to see the special exhibit on Ise Jingu and the Treasures of Shinto. The exhibit was really interesting. There was an old wooden statue of Buddha with really large stretched earlobes, and when my teacher saw me admiring it, she came up to me and said, "Look Honma-san, his ears are so big!" I laughed and replied, "Yeah, someday I'm gonna have ears that big too!" Who knows, perhaps I will one day reach enlightenment as well...but I'm not really holding my breath on that one.

The thing about the Tokyo National Museum is that they have in their collection an amazing series of hell paintings (地獄草紙) but each time I go there they are never on display. This is the third time I have visited the museum and the third time that they are not up. What makes it more frustrating is that they are scheduled to be on view starting in late August to early October, exactly when I will have already left the country. Oh what luck. Perhaps I am only destined to experience hell in person rather that in aesthetic form. *sigh*

But ironically, today (Saturday) I went to visit the museum dedicated to one of my favorite artists, the Kawanabe Kyosai Memorial Museum and they had a special exhibit of Kyosai's own hell paintings, which made me very very excited! If you aren't familiar with Kyosai's work, he is a master of the macabre, and his painting of ghosts, demons, and other hellish creatures are superb. The museum is rather small, but it holds so much great stuff and the paintings and sketches they had on display were excellent. Much more interesting than the last time I went two years ago, when they had on display Kyosai's work on beautiful women. Nothing against beautiful women, but c'mon, can they really compare to rotting corpses and sadistic demons laughing at tortured human figures writhing in the pits of hell? I think not.

Day Thirty-Six

Today I met a really really cute boy. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Just thought I'd start out this entry with that statement just to ensure that you will read the entire post. Haha.

So the summer language program is quickly coming to an end. We only have two more weeks left, and the final week we have to give a 10 minute presentation about any aspect of research, academic or not. Since I am sort of pigeon-holed as the "tattoo guy" I suppose it is my duty to fulfill my obligations (oh how Japanese!) and give a presentation about tattooing. Since I don't want to just rehash my last presentation from two years ago (there are teachers who would probably call me on that--believe me, the thought crossed my mind!) I thought I'd present a brief case study of why tattooing is popular among a new generation of Japanese young people and what this says about Japanese society on a broader level. That's a fancy way of me saying that I decided to just interview a couple of my friends to get their thoughts about why they like tattoos and take pics of their ink for a powerpoint presentation. Which I tried to do today, but one of my interviewees had to cut the interview short cuz he was gonna check out a concert. Oh well. Maybe the "brief" case study will be even briefer than I expected.

So after the interview, which was pretty interesting---well, the parts that I could understand, at least...a lot of it was me trying to infer what they were saying since my Japanese still sucks. (Don't worry, I videotaped it, so I can slowly translate it more carefully later.) Anyway, after the interview, I hung around a while and just chatted with my friend, who works at Peace Maker. (Yes, same friend I blogged about at the beginning of my trip--see older post.) A bunch of people came in and out of the store, including this one really cute guy. Turns out he's a dancer (ballet and popping), speaks English (lived in NYC for 2 years), and is vegetarian. Oh man, so hot!! He's headed to Europe next year to dance, but we planned to hang out some time before I leave Japan. We exchanged numbers and email, so he better contact me!

In case you are wondering what happened to the strange rockabilly punk who kept inviting me to his apartment, well, the day I was supposed to head over to his place, he totally flaked. He told me the next day that he fell asleep, but even then, wouldn't you at least contact the person when you woke up and apologize? Suspicious behavior. My friend Chen-san--who is convinced that this guy likes me and wants to get into my pants--says I should be cautious. But I think that might be more her background in domestic violence work than any real threat that this dude poses. But what's funny is that he tried to get me to come over again on Friday but I told him I couldn't cuz of school. I asked him if Saturday works, but he said he was going to a festival with a girl. I asked if it was a date, and he said yes and sent me a pic of a girl with a lot of make-up on. Hmmm, is he posing as straight or just playing games? I can never tell with Japanese guys. (Not to overgeneralize or anything, just my experience.)

Anyway, now that I have met dancer dude, I can scrap rockabilly-punk guy and focus my attention on someone who *seems* a bit more sane....

Tomorrow, I'm headed back into Tokyo again (three days in a row!) to hang out with my friend Saito-san and his band Gate is Dope. They are will be composing some new tracks for their upcoming full length record tentatively scheduled for release early next year. I get to visit them in the studio to watch them rehearse. I'm excited, should be fun!

Day Thirty-Five

Just got back from seeing avant-metal-experimental-prog-math-noise band Zeni Geva live in Tokyo at the Earthdom. I was actually gonna pass up this concert cuz I was feeling kind of lazy and was in the mood for a nice quiet night at home. But I was able to fight off the laziness at the last minute and took the train into Tokyo. What did it was that Ruins drummer Tatsuya Yoshida has rejoined the group after 20 years (whoa) which coincides with the reissue/remastering of Zeni Geva's first full-length "Maximum Money Monster." So since I haven't seen Zeni Geva in a good number of years, and since I think Tatsuya Yoshida is a crazy fucking amazing drummer, and since they would most likely play a lot of the old material, well, that was enough to get me off my lazy ass and head into Tokyo. And I am so glad I did!!! Zeni Geva killed. The last song alone was worth the trip. Long, droney, repetitive, harsh, hypnotic...everything I love about metal. Methinks "Maximum Money Monster" will be on repeat on my stereo the next few days....

And again, yes, I've been neglecting this blog again the past week. Sorry. I just suck at blogging. Cuz in reality I hate it. But, I will be working on updating this thing in the next few days since a bunch of sorta of fun/interesting stuff has been going on. Or at least fun and interesting for me. So hold tight, updates are on the way....