Day Forty-Five

I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and I want to go home. SF, LA, whatever. Maybe home isn't the right word. I just want out of Japan. If my brother wasn't already scheduled to come visit me here at the end of the month, I would be changing all my flight plans to get on the first plane out of Japan once this summer program ends. I've even thought about slashing my wrists or jumping in front of a train, anything to be done with things. Those are my more dramatic moments, of course. (Hell, I'm gay, what the fuck do you expect?!)

I haven't posted a whole lot about the kinds of troubles I've been having here so maybe this post comes as some sort of surprise. It helps to laugh at some of the ridiculous things that occur in life. But sometimes you get so run down that the laughter stops and everything just shuts off--body, mind, your will to live. That's what happened to me today. I fell asleep doing homework and woke up around 4am. Got some work done before class, but by the time I left my apartment I was in such a foul mood that everything around me seemed trivial and pointless. I growled at anyone who stared at me and my piercings and/or tattoos (a regular occurrence here). And on more than one occasion I felt like yelling at the people in front of me on the escalator who were blocking my path. And this is all on my 20 minute walk to school. I hadn't even gotten into the classroom yet!

I was pretty fucking rude in the classroom today. I did not crack a smile in the first hour of class, despite my sensei's sunny demeanor. I'm tired of all the hierarchical levels of politeness and today I felt like saying fuck it. I got so irritated with one of my classmates that I pretty openly made fun of his way of speaking. His fault really, he was the one who called on me when he was leading discussion today. When I led discussion last week, I knew he wasn't interested in the topic so I respected his silence and let him be. You would think he would return the favor, but noooo, the fucker. Who the fuck cares anyway, I never plan on seeing any of my classmates again (except, of course, Chen-san). I just want this goddamn program to be done with. I can't stand seeing the same damn people everyday anyway. You get to know everyone quirks and idiosyncrasies, and what may have been cute and/or entertaining at the beginning, now just grates on your every last nerve.

I'm just so fucking tired of everything. It's actually a nice day to die. It's raining out, I have some beautifully depressive black metal on the stereo (Japanese band, Kanashimi), and I live in such isolation that I don't think anyone would really miss me. It would probably take a couple days to find my rotting corpse, most likely when I don't show up to the final or something this week. Anyway, whatever, I'm tired of talking to myself on this blog. I really don't know why I bother trying to keep this thing updated. Like most things in life it seems like such a fucking waste of time. I don't know if anyone even fucking reads this crap anyway. Most of you are pretty shitty about keeping in touch. So whatever.